When my husband and I decided to get married, I assumed that I would be accepted as an honorary member of the family. I should have prepared for a worst case scenario, but upon meeting his parents, I thought they were pleasant; kooky, as far as individuals and English, as far as cultural; and I liked that about them. I was nineteen when I met them and wanted them to like and even love me; but twelve years later, I no longer have those inclinations. They are my husband’s parents and my son’s grandparents; and that’s the way I see them, and sometimes that is the best way to see your extended family.
Lady Yorkshire, as we shall call her, is a keen and clever woman; as is the case with many mother in laws. A warning to all young brides; know who you are messing with. Mothers are motivated by their unconditional love for their son. The nature of their love is rooted in something tangible and redeemable; these women have always played the role as the heroine. The problem comes when their role changes and you are the catalyst for that very uncomfortable change; you are the obstacle. The love that they have been dishing out religiously is no longer warranted or that is the way they perceive it and that is where the seed of resentment grows. If the mother feels pushed out, she believes you are the villain, but sadly her inability to share her son makes her the villain. She can’t see that; it’s too painful. This man came from her and she wanted everything for him; she doesn’t understand how simply another woman could symbolize the possibility of everything. I think my mother in law wanted more time to be the heroine; I think she feels I stole that from her. The truth is I did not. I would love to tell you that I chose my husband but my husband chose me and it was as simple as that.
Ladies, there is nothing you can actively do for the mother in law who subscribes to this notion. If she feels you are restraining her ability to love her son then you’re going to be a source of pain and confusion for her. The question is how you navigate through the storm. Let your mother in law love her son; let her love the shit out of him. Set up boundaries that you feel are important as a wife. I did not have boundaries which is why somehow, my mother in law managed to come on part of our honeymoon. There are moments you will have that you cannot fix but there are countless opportunities to illustrate that you are the Lady of this “manor”. It does not matter where you live or how you live, you are still the Lady of this “manor”. Case in point is Lady Yorkshire’s ongoing commentary on my sense of fashion and how expensive my tastes are; she’s right by the way but she has no business asking me how much something I purchase costs or criticizing me about how much I spend. She often tries to control what we spend when we dine out together by making comments like; I’m not hungry; I don’t think I’ll eat very much; Ill just eat an appetizer, and, my personal favorite, that meal is very costly I don’t think anyone should eat that. Please don’t be confused, she is not paying for the meal, but she is more comfortable saving herself and her son as much money as possible. Ironically, her ability to be frugal is a skill and should be applauded but the issue is she infringes her attitudes about money upon others and that is where I set up my boundary. I do not engage in this conversation with her and when it is directed at me; I make it very clear that I work and my husband and I are comfortable with our food and leisure expenses. This is just an example but what is clear is that you must set up boundaries and the sooner the better. If you do not set up a boundary then your mother in law will feel that she is permitted and sanctioned to give unwarranted council in matters that really do not concern her.
